I have always had really, really bad self-esteem. Since I was a child, various events and experiences as I was growing contributed to this.
I have never viewed myself as “smart” for a variety of reasons, inclusive of being embarassed and called names regarding my “smartness”. If you have ever watched the movie “Forrest Gump”, recall the scene where he says to Jenny, “I am not a smart man,” where you know that Forrest realizes his capabilites. I had a bonding moment with Forrest the first time I heard that line. I feel like that a lot. It’s frustrating at times, because you know what your limitations are for understanding things. Yet one learns to develop coping mechanisms for this.
Aside from the intellect issue, I have all my life struggled with weight problems. Up and down, all my life. In first grade I weighed 80 pounds! I remember my doctor putting me on a diet and chastising my mother for allowing me to get that big. The funny things was that I truly and honestly believed I was the fastest runner in the entire world. (sad) I lost weight that summer and was really thin by second grade. I have lived a roller coaster weight game throughout the years. When I lost 70 pounds about 10 years ago, I managed to keep it off, although with the advent of all the hormonal issues, I have gained weight again. I don’t eat much and I exercise ( I eat the right things, though). It seems harder and harder to keep it off. Almost every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of being fat and it sometimes impairs my functioning. But I manage. I try to keep my mind on other things so I don’t think about my body so much.
I just wish I could accept things the way they are and not worry so much.