Growing

I have always had really, really bad self-esteem. Since I was a child, various events and experiences as I was growing contributed to this.

I have never viewed myself as “smart” for a variety of reasons, inclusive of being embarassed and called names regarding my “smartness”. If you have ever watched the movie “Forrest Gump”, recall the scene where he says to Jenny, “I am not a smart man,” where you know that Forrest realizes his capabilites. I had a bonding moment with Forrest the first time I heard that line. I feel like that a lot. It’s frustrating at times, because you know what your limitations are for understanding things. Yet one learns to develop coping mechanisms for this.

Aside from the intellect issue, I have all my life struggled with weight problems. Up and down, all my life. In first grade I weighed 80 pounds! I remember my doctor putting me on a diet and chastising my mother for allowing me to get that big. The funny things was that I truly and honestly believed I was the fastest runner in the entire world. (sad) I lost weight that summer and was really thin by second grade. I have lived a roller coaster weight game throughout the years. When I lost 70 pounds about 10 years ago, I managed to keep it off, although with the advent of all the hormonal issues, I have gained weight again. I don’t eat much and I exercise ( I eat the right things, though). It seems harder and harder to keep it off. Almost every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of being fat and it sometimes impairs my functioning. But I manage. I try to keep my mind on other things so I don’t think about my body so much.

I just wish I could accept things the way they are and not worry so much.

4 responses to “Growing

  1. A really good friend of mine obsesses about her weight.. She exercises for an hour a day with a tape and walks. And when I say walk I mean she is booking it. She has been getting me out about twice a week for an hour at a time. I have never been a big exerciser and I know that I need to start. But I guess my point is this… She isn’t skinny.. but she isn’t overweight either.. I just think she is who she is, and I don’t think about her physial appearance as being anything but what it is. Do I make sense. But she says she use to be extremely overweight and she says she has struggled with weight all her life. Myself personally I am starting to gain weight around the middle, and I eat the same as always. Middle-Age our bodies start to change. We try to eat the right things.. we were really big on vegetables, no meat and if we do have meat we don’t have the starch. But still the weight gain. I think that once you start obsessing about it or as with any problem it just becomes bigger then life and then it starts taking over, and stops us for enjoying things we would normally love to do. I am not saying this to make the problem seem smaller.. but I think we all tend to fixate on something. We all need, myself included, to find something that we love to do, feel good about doing, and that feeling of accomplishment, because when we feel good about our inner self, we shine thru on the outside..

    • Thanks for the comments – it all helps! I am generally a positive person but I feel comfortable “letting go” of my inner issues on this blog.
      It **is** all a matter of accepting who we are and being satisfied with that, isn’t it?

  2. Your Website
    I just had a chance to visit your website. I like it. Do you still crochet. Those were really nice pieces.

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